Full… Of feelings about my weight

I am obese because I do not matter (in my mind)
I am obese because it is easier to not get on the scale and face the numbers
I am obese because I give up, after 6 weeks of trying because I am not paper thin 
I am obese because I do not want to exercise or not get to eat chocolate
I am obese because I am not willing to change 
I am obese because it is easier to lie to myself and say “this is ok” than look at the reasons as to why I use food as a crutch rather than a life source. 
I am obese because I am afraid that loosing weight will allow me to finally love myself, and I will have to let go of the last reason I hate myself for.

 

This past weekend I hit a whole new bottom…

An emotional bottom I have never seen before. 

I was climbing a mountain, (a hike, so I thought,the picture is below- I hiked the back of the mountain to the top of the waterfalls)

And half way up, through the pain in my back and legs, I began to sob. 

Weep

Die inside

I could not stand how I let my body get to the place it was at

full of pain

sorrow

and defeat

I wept out of fear

out of frustration

out of anger

But I continued on my internal pilgrimage 

And I reached the top!

I felt so accomplished, so constructive

I felt fulfilled

For the first time in a long time.

 

So today, where am I. 

Emotionally empty

Weak and tired

Not quite sure how to start

But committed to trying to do things different

 

Today I start a new pilgrimage, one for the inner me, who is dying to get out.

No longer to be stuffed and suffocated. Image

 

 

 

One thought on “Full… Of feelings about my weight

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