I am obese because I do not matter (in my mind)
I am obese because it is easier to not get on the scale and face the numbers
I am obese because I give up, after 6 weeks of trying because I am not paper thin
I am obese because I do not want to exercise or not get to eat chocolate
I am obese because I am not willing to change
I am obese because it is easier to lie to myself and say “this is ok” than look at the reasons as to why I use food as a crutch rather than a life source.
I am obese because I am afraid that loosing weight will allow me to finally love myself, and I will have to let go of the last reason I hate myself for.
This past weekend I hit a whole new bottom…
An emotional bottom I have never seen before.
I was climbing a mountain, (a hike, so I thought,the picture is below- I hiked the back of the mountain to the top of the waterfalls)
And half way up, through the pain in my back and legs, I began to sob.
I could not stand how I let my body get to the place it was at
full of pain
I wept out of fear
out of frustration
out of anger
But I continued on my internal pilgrimage
And I reached the top!
I felt so accomplished, so constructive
I felt fulfilled
For the first time in a long time.
So today, where am I.
Weak and tired
Not quite sure how to start
But committed to trying to do things different
Today I start a new pilgrimage, one for the inner me, who is dying to get out.