Our experiences do not come to make us suffer, we attract what we need to grow, to awaken our spiritual nature. Whatever we attract no matter how difficult, we need in order to grow and learn. Whatever we attract or experience we can work through. – Iyanla Vanzant
Someone very close to me, sent me this quote the other day. It awakened in me something I thought long ago lost.
The pain of loss of self. My childhood feeling of letting go of who I was to be something else.
The original feeling stemming from this was triggered by being someone who I was not meant to be at the age of 5 or 6, but who I had to be at the time to protect myself and get through my life as it was.
The feeling which I felt this time, was mourning the loss of the person who I have been, who is not who I am meant to be. I was mourning the loss of 11+lbs I have lost to date. And not because I was sad, but because my security blanket is melting away. All the things I have hid behind my whole life, have kept me protected. My drinking, my lying, and lastly my weight. To say goodbye to this friend, who has been with me the whole way, is heartbreaking.
And I am READY!
I am no longer afraid to see what being a a more healthy version of me can hold. I am no longer afraid to love myself, by losing the one thing which is holding me back. I am no longer afraid to grow into the person I have been meant to be.
Today I walked into the gym, strutting my large and lovely self. I got on that elliptical machine and did 27 whole minutes, at a level 5, going 5.0 mph. A whopping 500 calories burned in those 27 minutes, and I felt AMAZING.
I rose to meet my insecurities, the voice in my head which says “I cannot”, with a great big YES I CAN. I did it for me. For all the times I sold myself short, didn’t believe in myself, and gave up. Today I did not give up.
Where did I find the courage for this, I could not tell you. Inspiration of those I know and love who have walked this road before me, maybe. Wanting it more than I don’t, possible. Knowing I deserve more than I have right now, and finding the bottom of the proverbial “cookie jar” with nothing left and feeling empty, most likely.
I did not know what my experience would hold for me. It has been almost 3 weeks, I have lost 11 pounds, and I like myself a little more today, because I did something I once though I couldn’t.
I have attracted this journey, because I am ready to shed the layers. I can grow from what I was hiding behind, into what I am meant to be. I can learn to be the new me, the best me, the only me there ever should have been. I can meet the challenge with grace, dignity, and vigor.
Today my experience is not as terrifying as I expected. I am prepared, know I will be taken care of, and have risen from the ashes of emotional hell to know I am the best me I can be.