Looking hard… at myself

What do I see, in the mirror staring back at me?

fear
anger
depression
internal destruction

someone ready to give up

What lead me to this place?

expectations
laziness
frustration
control

A desire to let go too much and not doing it enough

Dying inside, feeling like bricks I keep beating my head against but never break

Hitting an internal wall, I did not know existed!

I am only human and I keep forgetting how big this higher power I have is
I keep forgetting to turn it over,
I keep thinking I have to do it all on my own

To struggle with myself, against myself

Hopeless

Not completely, but desperate to change
I am not a failure
But I sure seem to be ok with doing things half-ass right now

Anger builds toward myself
always taking the easy way – which seems to be the way of most resistance

For what is easy for me is avoidance
I avoid facing what is staring me in the face

my weight
my procrastination habits
my inability to say no

I am facing challenges of a whole new breed
Those which live within myself

I am not longer held back by the restraints of comfort
immersed in this learning experience of all types

I have lost perspective
lost my inner voice
lost my connection

Feeling overwhelmed
shut down
catapulted into the emotional danger zone

one minute at a time does not come fast enough
and yes there is not enough hours in the day

running
running
running

spinning
wheels turning in place

I am great at doing it “all”
But when it all stops working
What am I left with?

Just me.

The scared girl who misses home and all its comforts
Who’s trying to learn from the experience

But my best here is nothing like what it was in my comfort zone

Facing myself in the here and now, just got real.

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