I have come to realize the security blanket which has been my weight, has always rooted me to who I thought I was.
The fat girl
The girl who couldn’t tie her shoes without putting her food on a bench
The one they all snicker at in the locker room
The girl with no real friends
The girl who does not know who she is
The girl who plays pretend
For a long time I was not available to be myself
I was someone who to this day, I don’t even really know
I don’t even really remember
I was just existing
Much like a soul of someone dead, who has not moved on.
Stuck in the land of the living but unable to live
I had no brakes to stop and think about where I was or what I was doing – whether I was present or being a person I wanted to be
I did horrible things to myself, which affected those around me
I stole because I did not value myself, I valued what other people had.
I did not understand how special I was
How important I was
The only person I really have to matter to is me
The damage done by the person I was, “the hole in the wall” I created can never be filled
It might be patched but the place where the damaged was will never be exactly the same as it was originally
The great thing about being a little “broken” at one point or another is the ability to learn from it
The choice to not do it again
Getting a second chance and moving on
Being able to accept it as it is, the pain the sorrow the hurt – allow it to be part of me rather than be the foundation of me.
I will not be controlled by my pain
I will not be controlled by what other people think
I will not be controlled by criticism, dirty looks, or people who don’t even fu***ng know me!
Today I do not have to prove myself, I am being myself
I realize today, my weight and lifelong struggle with its definition in my life started this journey, this blog, this change
My weight is no longer the foundation of my being
It no longer gets to define me
My pant size is none of your business, but let me tell you! ITS GETTING SMALLER!
Today my foundations are:
My sultry voice
Incredible hugs which match an even more amazing heart
Wild curly hair
Loud outgoing persona
Love of expression and creating things with my hands (from food to art to sandcastles, I love to build)
The ability to take risks
The desire to never give up
Being a true emotional being in a sometimes fake world
Being sensitive and perceptive to myself and those around me
Being a little unpolished (yes I still drop the F bomb, even in front of my mom once in while ❤ )
Today I am a long way from where I have been
The foundations of my being will change as I change, but today they are rooted in everything but the numbers on the scale and the boundaries which my weight has captured me in, until now~!