These last few months have been a very emotional ride.
I have felt everything from elation to self-sabotage, but mainly fear.
Not a normal fear, but a fear of actually being smaller. I want to be healthier and feel better in my own skin, but there is this internal resistance which plagues me.
Over the past few weeks I have been diving deeper into why this fear of losing weight exists.
So far, this is what I know.
I have always felt the need to be intimidating. I felt the need to use my weight to overpower others physically or be the person people didn’t fuck with cause I had “the look”. I had to be hardened and forceful in order to maintain control. In order to maintain the strength I felt like I needed to get through the way life was for me, both in childhood and as I was drawn deeper into the dark world of my addiction in my teen years. For the people in my life (in both time frames) were not exactly safe. They couldn’t be trusted and I had to be stronger than they were.
I have used my weight as a barrier. A barrier between me and giving up fighting, pushing, and pulling. A barrier between those in my life who can be trusted. A barrier between being vulnerable and admitting there were things in my life which happened to me that were wrong. A barrier between admitting I could not control everything which happened to me, and I was not strong enough. I have used my weight to be someone I do not have to be any more.
Losing this barrier between me and people means I give up the bully, the fake mean, the thing which has kept me protected from letting go and moving on.
Losing the weight means I finally have to like myself, because there would be nothing left to hate!
This realization, it invokes fear, makes me vulnerable, and draws tears to my eyes. Because after all the work I have done to love myself and be the person I deserve to be, I still want something to hate. Something to be angry about. I still want that emotional hangover from not being enough.
Today I know am strong on the inside. I have survived deaths, addiction, and most of all myself! But still the fear of not being strong enough on the outside exists. I am not sure how to move past it, but I am sharing about it, so it is real. Real enough for me to admit, look at, and move on from.