Many people in my life (including multiple personal trainers and athletes I know!) have always talked about a concept, of “the feeling” rather than the numbers on the scale.
For a long time this elusive “feeling” was no where to be found. Most likely due to the fact, that I only worked out when felt forced, and for the last few years was totally unmotivated to do physical activity. The truth is, I have been lazy and taken poor care of the “temple” I have to live in for as long as I am here.
Over the last few weeks I have had a change in “feelings”. It started with the idea of hating the numbers I was seeing on the scale and feeling horrid in the skin I was living in. Not necessarily because of the food I was eating, but I felt heavy, tired, and less energetic than ever before. My clothes did not fit and every time I sat down, the pants I was wearing (unless they were my favorite yoga pants) had this bulge at the top which hurt, and often has a button mark left imprinted in my skin when I went to take them off.
My feelings before : I was emotionally exhausted and did not see the light at the end or even in the middle of the tunnel I felt trapped in; Confusion, as I did not understand how I had accepted myself in this extremely uncomfortable physical condition; Hopelessness, because I was unsure of what to do, to get out of this hole I dug myself into.
I had to realize what I was willing to do to change those feelings. I had to reach a bottom with my body, which I had never reached before. It occurred on one Saturday afternoon Hike, all up hill, and humbling to the ego. I stopped every .10 of a mile, out of breath and in pain. My back hurt, my feet hurt, my body WAS SCREAMING at me. It felt as though I was being punished for ignoring the signs and feelings before this moment. I went home that Saturday afternoon broken.
I woke up the next day contemplative, not quite sure if the day before was real. Trying to convince myself I didn’t need to change anything and I could live with it. However, I knew I was lying to myself. I knew those feelings I was trying to convince myself I didn’t have the day before, had been real and no amount of ignoring them was going to make them go away.
It was much like realizing at 21 I had a problem with my drinking. I had to get to my breaking point to realize a change had to be made, and only I was going to be able to make it.
So I downloaded one of those nifty fitness apps on January 7th and committed to tracking everything I put in my mouth. While I have no been perfect with it, I have been accountable and cognitive of the things which I am putting in my body. I have been eating more raw food than I have seen in months: salads, lettuce wraps, fruit salad etc. Treasuring the remarkable feeling of being good to my insides. I will admit, I don’t love scarfing 3 cups of spinach or green smoothies, but I love the way I feel after I do. So I just keep doing it. I am faking it, till I make it. Which I know one day, I WILL!.
I have tried new workouts, YouTube videos, and reading others blogs to read/hear what they do and how they do it. I have joined new challenges, to see how much % of body weight I can loose in 8 weeks. I have found others who want to loose 100+ pounds on message boards and have started talking about how I fell, why I feel it, and being honest about what it means for where I am today. I commit to writing on my blog, while it is public, I do this for me and no one else. I have realized this has to be about me and no one else.
I have come to know this journey, or pilgrimage, must come from within me. A feeling of wanting it bad enough and doing whatever it takes to make it work for me. Whether it is doing modifications to Jillian Michaels workouts, trying p90X, or just going for the 2nd walk of the day because my body needs it, I am learning. I am taking a risk and asking for help, following direction and doing what those who have accomplished what I want have already done.
My feelings today: Less shame, guilt, and remorse for my former self. My pants fit a little better, I enjoy getting up for my morning workout as it leaves me feeling energized, and I am not ashamed to say I am trying to live a better life. A life better than the day before and making the decisions to make it count. I FEEL good 90% of the time and that elusive “feeling”, is slowly but surely becoming the light in my tunnel. I have a long way to the end, but I can get there if I just keep going.
Today it does not matter what the scale says. It matters how I really feel. Not the feelings I try to convince myself I am having or not having as the case may be.
Today I was and am the best me I could be, at my current weight, with my current feelings. Tomorrow they will be different, these feelings of mine. For the one constant thing I know is change, and having finally surrendered to being the change I want to be, I can now “feel” how I am meant to feel.